Sleepless

Sarah’s late night thoughts. A Random Series Of Absolutely Nothing and Nonsense.

I took my medicine

I tried to sleep.

I huddled my pillow and prayed

Like I knew what tomorrow would bring.

The truth is…

I don’t.

Maybe it’s this underlying issue of

sleep that I struggle with.

Depression makes you tired does it not?

It’s only a reasonable explanation.

I can’t keep up with it all.

Am I really ok? I’m not sure.

And as I lay here I keep thinking of

Moments that replay in my head

Like a broken radio on repeat.

Like the moment my doctor

Asked me if I see things or hear things.

It’s only a reasonable thing to ask

Considering it’s in the “script”

I don’t blame her either…

But I guess it’s been on my mind

Because who on earth is going to

Admit that,

even if they did hear and see

Things?

I mean…why would they?

People would call them crazy.

Insane.

A maniac.

Sick.

Something…feral.

Besides I think my mind has

Been on this constant relay since

Day became a chore I don’t want to do.

My room hugs me like it wants me close…

But I don’t want to hug back.

It makes me walk to it.

The darkness within me yearns

For me to love my room as much as

My family.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t

Grow up to be the teen that stays in

Her room all day.

I have broke that promise by living

In days that I gaslighted myself into thinking

Those were days I didn’t live.

I’ve told myself…

“Just a minute in here won’t hurt.”

And I have lied to myself constantly.

I say this now…and yet I walk into

Therapy like I’ve had the best days

Of my life.

I show up.

I’m here.

And yet I lay here every night and think

Of all these things.

I’m guilty.

I’m lying to myself.

And I’m so afraid of sinking again.

And maybe everyone can tell how much

I am rambling in this.

And if you’ve been here for long…

You’d know this is a causal “Sarah thing”

Where I ramble off and talk about

All the things I’m doing wrong.

And I guess that’s ok.

I promised myself I’d be real here.

I promised I’d share the journey.

This is a part of that I guess.

A part of healing.

And I think the biggest thing that

Makes me share this is two things…

1. I don’t want to get lost.

2. I hope that if I share my journey then maybe if someone else is going through it it can help them know they aren’t alone.